What's the Point?

No, seriously, what actually is the point? In anything? Life?

That's when I know I'm having a bad bout (current status)it's that despite having LOTS of things to look forward to, and I do mean lots, I just can't see the point in anything. We're all going to go the same way in the end, so what's the point.

I don't wish to alarm anyone at all here, I'm not in an 'unsafe place' or anything, but despite knowing full well that the point is to live, laugh, love, participate, enjoy and all of that; but when you're in the dark place you just don't have the courage of your convictions. Well I don't anyway.

I read an article about something related to this a little while ago. It's a milder version but there's a syndrome that has recently been named and it's running rife through all sorts of people of all ages, but particularly the slightly more youthful (although it's creeping into the older generations more and more I wouldn't mind betting). It's called 'Party Syndrome' a description coined by Alfred James who writes the Pocket Mindfulness blog.

The feeling that there is perpetually a party going on somewhere near to you but that you're not invited to. This is exacerbated by marketing executives who sell the image of new motherhood being like a Johnsons Baby commercial (yeah right) and the suave sophistication and sexual prowess you'll achieve if you only bought that new Audi (you get the 'how to drive like a cock' lessons thrown in free) and the fact that if you're not having perfect, spontaneous adventures with your gorgeous friends kite surfing off the great barrier reef at sunset wearing a vintage Armani bathing suit, then frankly, your existence is an embarrassment to the planet.

We all know it's horse shit, but it creeps into the psyche of all of us, and the emotionally fragile even more so.

Of course it's wonderful and necessary to have aspirations, dreams, but they must be yours. I like to travel, haven't done enough of it at all. But I don't like the idea of selling everything I own and travelling the world in a camper van like a wonderful couple of friends I have. I'm jealous of their freedom, I'm jealous of the views the have when they wake in the morning, the fact that their cleaning must take a maximum of 15 minutes a week, but it's not for me. I like my roots. I have to be working towards something planned and specific at all times or life really is pointless for me.

James and I are planning our next holiday away. There are so many places to chose from, but we are thinking we might go for the total opposite of glorious, wonderful Budapest (where I left a bit of my heart). Benidorm. Yes, that really is the opposite - and my god does it sound fun. I'm going to find the crappest karaoke, the corniest cabaret and the dreadfullest (clutching at straws there) drag artists.

I was watching the BBC series Benidorm a while back and one of the characters said "there's two types of people that come to Benidorm. Those who come to Benidorm and those who never go anywhere else." Isn't that wonderful. Unless you're one of those who 'never goes anywhere else'. But then, if they're genuinely happy with that, then they're winning at life more than I am currently.

I find when I'm not very well that my mind likes to hurt me just that little bit more by pointing out that I'm 'wasting my life', 'will never come to anything because of the shitty life choices you've made, which means you'll never snorkel in Armani off the Barrier Reef because you won't be able to afford it' (I don't even like snorkeling - there's fish in there you know). This ideal life that they're pushing everywhere you look, it's not healthy. It's putting too much pressure on us and we're not learning how to deal with it. We must teach out children that media is not real. Beauty is not perfection, and their ideas do not have to be the same as your ideas of what makes a valuable life.

It's mean and it's cruel and it's not fair. I find myself now able to self check with kindness and compassion, this is utterly down to Mindfulness practice, but it doesn't take away the underlying feeling. No, I don't react to those feelings any more - I can manage my chimp much better than I used to be able to, but it's tough. And tiring.

So if you ever feel like you're missing out on all this fun that everyone else is having because they all have a) more friends b) more money c) more free time and d) perfect mental health - it's a myth. We all feel like that from time to time, sadly some more than others. I know life will regain it's purpose and point soon ( I hope) but currently, it's a bit hopeless.

Ah well, at least I'm not Kanye West, eh? Every cloud and all that...