Two years I've been well. Then BAM! depressive episode up the ying yang.

I know how these things work. Sneaky, underhanded symptoms you can only see retrospectively, gradual build up of emptiness and loss of interest in pretty much everything, then you're on the slippery slope. But you still probably don't know it. Well that's my experience anyway.

Then it hit you like the proverbial freight train. I heard once a great description of depression - 'it's like having the flu, really bad flu, but with no physical symptoms - every single day.' I think that's a great description.

I've been investigated and poked and prodded to try to treat my depression since I was sixteen. I remember feeling depressed for as long as I can remember feeling. Of course I thought everyone felt that way, as everyone does. Turns out they don't. But it took many, many terrible episodes, poor life choices, ill advised situations, shit tonnes of struggling (and more episodes) before I was diagnosed with Borderline back in about 2011  I think it was.

I have a LOT to say about MH and Borderline, and one of those things is that when I feel this way I do have a lot to say. And the drive of a brand new Maserati to say it. But as I get more well (dog willing) I can lose that focus, that acuteness and that need. It's one of the most irritating things about borderline. I already have that as a personality trait, this exacerbates it.

In a nutshell, I feel I have wisdom to impart (snort) and things to say currently, but it might dry up like a stream in a rare British dry spell. Don't judge me. Well, you can if you like - I will never know.

That's the joy of a) being human and b) having a smashing MH condition. We just don't know what's going to happen.

#endstigma